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PRIMER

PROFILES

ICT4E

1. Treat the other person with respect

Although respecting the other person during a conflict is challenging, we must try. Words of disrespect block communication and may create wounds that may never heal. Use your willpower to treat the other person as a person of worth and as an equal.

2. Confront the problem

Find a time and place to discuss the conflict with the other person. Choose a time when you aren't arguing or angry. The place should be comfortable for both of you -- away from either party's "turf."

3. Define the conflict

Describe the conflict in clear, concrete terms. Be specific when answering the who, what, when, where, and why questions.
Describe behaviors, feelings, consequences, and desired changes. Be specific and start sentences with "I," not "you."
Focus on behaviors or problems, not people.
Define the conflict as a problem for both of you to solve together, not a battle to be won.

4. Communicate understanding

Listen to really understand the other person's feelings, needs, and so forth.
Seek first to understand, then to be understood.
Step back and try to imagine how the other person sees things.
Explain how you see the problem after you have talked about it. Discuss any changes you have made in the way you see things or how you feel.

5. Explore alternative solutions

Take turns offering alternative solutions. List them all.
Be nonjudgmental of other's ideas.
Examine consequences of each solution.
Think and talk positively.

6. Agree on the most workable solution

Agree to a solution you both understand and can live with.
Work to find a "win-win" solution.
Be committed to resolving the conflict.

7. Evaluate after time

Work out a way to check on how well the solution is working. Adjust the resolution when necessary.

CONFLICT RESOLUTION STRATEGIES

Negotiating	Kids and leaders listen to the others' points of view and discuss which position might be the best.	"I just think it would be best to have the clean-up project in the morning when it's still cool outside." "That is a good point, but we might have more people show up if we have it in the afternoon after everyone wakes up. "How many do you know will be able to make it that morning?"
Compromising	Meeting halfway -- both parties agree to sacrifice something in order to resolve the conflict.	"Give it here," Linda yelled, you've had it forever and it's my turn." "No way -- I just barely got it," Sarah snapped." The leader said, "Sarah, why don't you let Linda hold the puppy, and you can still pet it."
Taking Turns	Both kids get what they want by splitting the time evenly.	"I got here first," Dave screamed. "That's because you got a head start; it's not fair," replied Merrick." After a minute of wrestling, Dave decided, "Why don't I swing 30 times, and then you can swing for 30 swings? "Okay, that sounds fair. 1.2.3.4."
Active Listening	The group member or leader shows that he or she understands the other person's wishes.	"You fouled me -- it was obvious." "Yeah, right, whatever, I was just going for the ball. "You are such a baby." The leader walks over and suggests that they make sure each understands what the other person is trying to say. "So you are saying that I can't reach around your side like this without getting a foul?" "No, I mean. . ."
Threat-Free Explanation	One person tells his or her position without attacking the other person. The young person tries to keep emotions from getting out of control.	"Come on Brandon, it's your turn to recite the oath." "I don't want to." "Why not?" "I just don't" "Nobody will make fun of you or anything. We've all messed up doing it." "Well, I don't really know it all the way, yet." "Oh, okay no big deal, I can go up there with you and help if you want." "Okay, that won't be so bad."
Apologizing	Telling the person you are sorry. Not necessarily admitting that you were wrong, just showing that you care about the other person. This may help other strategies to work.	"I'm sorry we got into a fight. I'll try not to get so defensive next time. Tell me again why you didn't want to work on the boat this time."
Soliciting Intervention	Asking someone who isn't involved in the conflict to help sort out the problem and come to a solution. (The intent is not to get the other person in trouble, but to have an adult help work it out.)	"I can't do it either," Mandy said, "because I wanted to go to the fair with Beth. "Well you have to because I'm going on a date." "No, you can't, it's your turn, honest." "Why don't we ask Ms. Jacobs what she thinks we ought to do. She is always fair." "Okay. Hey Ms. Jacobs, could you come here for a minute?" (Now would be a good time for the leader to offer some of the other strategies for them to resolve the conflict.)
Postponing	Taking a time out. Waiting until later to try to resolve the conflict. (This may help the kids or even volunteers to settle down and reflect on the problem without being so emotionally charged.)	"Please stop goofing around; you need to get these necklaces finished.Debby, you are getting beads all over!" The leader realizes that he is beginning to feel agitated and is acting a little short with the kids. "Okay, why don't we finish the necklaces next time. Anyone up for a game of 'steal the flag'?"
Distracting	Helping kids to forget about the conflict by focusing their attention on some other interesting activity. (Especially useful for young kids with shorter attention spans, and when the conflict doesn't need a lot of discussion.)	"Tony, step back from the river, I don't want you falling in." "I'm not that close, it's no big deal." "Hey Tony, come look at this frog over here." "Wow, cool. Where?" "Right over here in these bushes."
Humor	Diffusing negative emotions by looking at the brighter side of the situation. It's amazing how quickly a mood can change with some humor.	"Come on Dina, you are so slow." "I'm hurrying, I've just got to finish this letter to my Mom." "I know, I'll ask my mom to send a horse in the mail -- then you won't be bored. "A horse? " "Yeah, a big horse trotting into camp with a giant stamp on its forehead. It would be wrapped in a giant envelope, too. " "Ha! Yeah, put that in the letter."
Chance	Flipping a coin or drawing straws.	"Heads, Katie gets to be team captain; tails, Seth gets to."
Sharing	Working together to meet the needs of both parties.	"I don't want to fight, so I want you to have the canoe. I'll just go a little later today." "Really? You mean it? Thanks, I won't be gone too long."

Adapted from: Palomares, U. et al., (1975). A curriculum on conflict management. U.S.A.

DEALING WITH DIFFICULT PEOPLE

Hostile Aggressive

Stand up for yourself; use self-assertive language
give them time to run down......avoid a direct confrontation

Complainers

Listen attentively; acknowledge their feelings; avoid complaining with them
state the facts without apology.......use a problem solving mode

Clams:

keep asking open ended questions; be patient in waiting for a response
if no response occurs, tell them what you plan to do, because no discussion has taken place

Superaggreables:

In a non-threatening manner, work hard to find out why they will not take action
Let them know you value them as people
Be ready to compromise and negotiate, and don't allow them to make unrealistic commitments
Try to discern the hidden meaning in their humor

Negativists:

Do not be dragged into their despair.........Do not try to cajole them out of their negativism
Discuss the problems thoroughly, without offering solutions
When alternatives are discussed, bring up the negatives yourself
Be ready to take action alone, without their agreement

Know-it-Alls

Bulldozers: Prepare yourself; listen and paraphrase their main points; question to raise problems
Balloons: state facts or opinions as your own perception of reality; find a way for balloons to safe face; confront in private

Indecisive Stallers

Raise the issue of why they are hesitant...Possibly remove the staller from the situation
If you are the problem, ask for help.....Keep the action steps in your own hands

(from Coping with Difficult People, R. M. Bramson, Doubleday, 1981)

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